If you are white:
Shut your mouth for a bit. Listen for the cues on how you can help make things better for people that are not white.
Just do that…and keep your mouth shut. Seriously.
06.01.20
The events that have transpired over the course of the last week and the two months prior have allowed for a shift in the way we exist. That is to say that an opportunity to become more intentional has presented itself. When we have been asked to stay home to prevent the spread of a worldwide virus, we have become more intentional about where we go and when we go there. We have become more intentional about who we interact with and how. We have become more intentional about the food we buy and what we eat.
When the tragedy that struck Minneapolis one week ago happened, it triggered a response that no one could have anticipated. The result, while definitely messy and chaotic on a lot of levels, was needed. Subsequently there has been a shift in the language we use and it can be seen throughout our communities, both in person and digitally. In many cases, though, words weren’t wanted. Lip service, as we have become accustomed to hearing, wasn’t going to be enough this time. Hollow speeches weren’t going to change anything. So there was a physical push and riots happened and fires burned and what it did was get everyone’s attention. The violence was action. The protests were action. All of it was action and scores and scores of folks, in the face of all that was unfolding, kept talking…and then something happened.
More words happened, but they were different.
Yesterday the Governor of Minnesota held a press conference and absolutely owned it. He spoke about accountability and made statements that indicated an immediate shift in the way things will be done going forward to address Minnesota’s inequities. They were just words, but they were different. What I heard was ownership and accountability. What I heard was action and it got me to thinking about the following:
When words are spoken they become actions in that they are produced in our vocal chords and expelled by the movement of our tongue and lips.
If we acknowledge the actionable shift in our dialect, we can follow that with the other parts of our body, our non-verbal communication points.
Additionally, the more we exercise our mouths and our arms and our hands and our cores to this, the more likely our brains are to follow.
If we are to become the change we want to see in others, first we must begin with ourselves. Let’s alter our language. Let’s change our vernacular. Let’s go forward with inclusion and engagement. Let’s change our world.
05.30.20
I woke up this morning with the light on, after sleeping in my clothes, on top of my covers. This has been the case for the past three nights. Sleeping for two hours, fully clothed.
When I got up today, I started my normal routine, but realized that the slippers I normally wear to let the dog out weren’t appropriate. Instead, my brain told me to put on the sneakers…just in case. When I got outside, instead of sitting down in the chair to let the dog do his thing, I went out to the street to see if all the windows in my car and van were still there…they were. While fully intact, the car and van were covered in ash from the legacies that burned in North Minneapolis last night.
While I was still in the street my immediate manager called me. We spoke for a few minutes about everything and it was nice to get some words out.
Eventually I made my way back up the driveway to assume some level of morning normalcy and drink my cup of coffee.
A few minutes later the owner of the company I work for called me. He and I spoke for several minutes. He told me he supports me in every way. I appreciate him for that. As we spoke, I cried and then he cried. It was impactful. It felt good to get the tears out.
When we got off the phone I felt different. The air felt different. Everything felt different.
Now, an hour later, as I sit here in the driveway and type this I am calm. I have music playing for the first time in a couple of days. The air in this part of the city is different. I can feel community again. I can feel a sense of togetherness. I can feel a shift in the tide of what has been violence and chaos for the last three days.
I love this city. I love Minneapolis. I love the Midtown neighborhood and I know it’s in pain right now. I am here and I am staying. We will grow through this and beyond it. We will emerge strong and united and hopefully more near equal. I believe that this morning and I hope you do, too.
05.29.20
My city is on fire. My shop is emptied and likely will not reopen. My heart is heavy for all those that suffer from inequality and I support their calls for change. Words and thoughts and prayers are empty. Even these. Action is needed. Now.
After every forest fire there is a period of rebirth and through that process of beginning again everything is vibrant and full of life.
05.26.20
It only took forty two years and thirteen hours to realize there is not just one question. In fact, there is no question at all. Therefore, there are no answers. Everything simply is exactly what it is.
Do whatever you like. That’s my plan.
05.23.20 pt. 2
Two drawers full of soup cans. Some with labels and some without. Cost effective. Time effective. Everything effective. Build community. Stay true. Never sell out. Take what’s yours and leave the rest. Pack it in, pack it out. A family of seven…six of whom appear to be under the age of twenty one. One of whom appears to have abandoned the dress code. Branch Covidians. Snow geese and trumpeter swans. Deer. Tired legs. Just words. Tired every day. More cases popped in the city. The hospitals and busy. Full and getting fuller. Like that house in San Francisco. Tunes in the air. Even the dog is tired. Just writing things as they pop in my head. It’s meditative. Or at least it was way back when in the attic with the little sand garden. Electrical outlets and concrete walls. Redo the floors. Tear out the bathroom. Remodel the kitchen. Do it again. Save space. Spend money. Run on sentence. Run a marathon. Run a 5k. Run until you’re done and then stop running. Ride bikes. Ride them because your ego told you to. Ride them until you quit. Take a break. Find bikes again. Ride them because it feels good. Do push ups. Take rest days. Take care of yourself you big dumb idiot. Stop pushing yourself until you collapse. It didn’t work ever and it’s not working now. Create boundaries and stick to them. Eat better and drink water. Drink more water. Get good sleep. At least try to get good sleep. It is possible. Understand that you are only one person and that as one person you have limits to what you can get done in a day or a week or a month. Understand that if you exhaust yourself by extending yourself to people at work and the kids and the people outside of work that there won’t be anything left for you. Understand burnout. Understand self-care. Understand the importance of taking time to take care of yourself. Laugh. Write this out like its some kind of Baz Luhrman song from the 90’s. You’re ridiculous. Always with the introspection and the self-help. Just relax. Stop looking at the problem and understand that you are a human just like all the other humans and that as such you are subject to feelings and emotions and that you’re not always going to get it right. You will make mistakes. You will stumble. You will get up and try again. You will and eventually you do that enough times that you’ll be old and then you’ll die. Try to have fun along the way. Do things that feel good until they don’t and then do different things. Regret nothing. Go forward. It’s gonna be rad.
05.23.20
I prayed to god last night and as I’ve thought about it since I’ve wondered what they look like and what it is they do and where it is that they actually reside. I’ve thought about the process and how the act of praying is me signing over my beliefs and my fears, which are all manifestations of my mind to some supreme, all-seeing being that also only exists within the confines of my beliefs. Let me write that again.
When I pray to god I am handing over my beliefs to my beliefs...my ideas to my ideas.
What is that? How does that actually function? Culturally we’ve created a deity that is widely accepted, believed. This deity is all-knowing and all-powerful. According to common theory, this deity, this god, channels our beliefs, our opinions, into positive acts that shape and define our societies. That’s a lot to swallow.
Some all-understanding myth that only exists in our minds has the power to alter and shape the interactions we have with other living creatures? How does that work?
Hmmm...
05.22.20
Alcohol dreams. Smashed beer cans and the hopelessness that accompanies them. For years I had no issue being around the consumption of alcoholic beverages, but as of late I have grown to see it in the same light as any other form of capitalistic consumption.
Consume. Consume. Consume.
It’s what we do in this country. We consume things. Land and water and plastic and rare earth metals. Plastic and wood and fabric and leather. Food and plants and air and alcohol. We selfishly consume for our own benefit and we do it in such a way that we generally disregard those that may come in our footsteps. We consume to our own demise.
We want and we want and we want.
We forego the fundamentals of our own basic needs and we actively work to fulfill every desire of our wants. We demand more and more and more for less and less and less. We asked for more of the things we want at our finger tips and we got everything we could have ever wished for. We wanted shopping in our homes because going out to the store was just too much effort. We wanted a food supply chain that seemed endless and approachable. We wanted everything delivered to our door and we got it. We wanted big box stores for one stop shopping and we got it. We wanted everything to make our lives easier and in the blink of an eye we got it. We wanted bigger houses and faster cars that could play our music wirelessly and keep the temperature right where we felt the most comfortable. We wanted to be cool when it was hot and warm when it was cold. We wanted everything and we got it and the price we paid was something that we could never get back. The price we paid was higher than anything we could ever imagine. Oh...the price we paid. Oh...the price we are paying. Oh...where do we even begin?
We begin at the end. We begin when we’ve had enough. We begin when we’ve died and rotted and have been faced with a new life and a new series of roadways and paths that lead to other roadways and paths. We begin when we abandon our wants and we strive simply to meet our needs. We begin when we acknowledge that the newest shiny thing isn’t going to solve our dilemma. We begin when we realize that our consumption is the thing that holds us in the trenches and pits us against ourselves and our fellows. We begin when we conclude that our best efforts in the ways of wanting and wanting and wanting are the very things that hold our hands against the flames and our faces against the wall. We begin when we give up our longing to achieve and compare and out do our neighbors and our friends and our coworkers. We begin when we end.
We begin when we end. We begin when we give up. When begin when we stop fighting ourselves. We begin when our awareness of our selves looks no different that those around us. That’s when it all starts. That’s when the real living begins and the fraudulent living ends. That’s when we become our true selves...when we realize that everything is exactly as it should be and our wants never exceed our needs.
Perhaps we can just start all this tomorrow...for tonight we’ve already thrown the ideas away because it’s too late to care and the sun is down and the idea factory has shut down? Perhaps tomorrow we can give it another go? Perhaps tomorrow?
05.19.20
Reflections. Connections. Fist fights outside of work and longer hours. Masks all day and the sauna that creates for the skull. No, you can’t use the bathroom. No, the cafe isn’t open. No, you can’t borrow tools. No, I can’t fix your bike for free. No, you can’t. No. No. No. I need you to step back. I need six feet please. I just need some space. Just give me some goddamn space.
Twenty years. It’s been almost twenty years since I’ve consumed a drop of alcohol. Twenty years. Everything difficult in my life has been done without the escape hatch known as liquor. It’s amazing. That’s the reflection. Reflecting on twenty years of just the act of getting sober and having a kid and getting married and having two more kids and buying a house and buying another house and going bankrupt and getting divorced and moving across the country and moving back and changing careers and having nothing and starting over and being lonely and just wanting someone to understand but not being able to manage the emotional seas connected to living through everything without a crutch. Living through everything at full speed and having my wages garnished for the last twenty years. Living through all of that and constantly trying to work to be a better, more aware human and all the while just wanting to be held and told that everything is going to be just fine. It’s why I tried to climb under the couch those nights in New York. I just wanted to be held. Oh well. Time goes. It just does. It moves forward and I wake up and I do my best and try to do right by others and I try to stay positive and I do a good job of it. I do. Everything is exactly as it should be and I haven’t drank in twenty years.
Twenty motherfucking years. That’s a long ass time to show up as who I am in every situation. It’s a long time to not be affected by a liquid…so when I see other people show up affected it bothers me because I no longer understand it. I don’t get the affect. I don’t get the effect. It no longer makes sense to me and it doesn’t have to.
This is all just me processing stuff and thinking about how I got here in this moment.
05.14.20
A chain of lakes and a network of winding roads. A tiny little town shut down by the powers that be. Clocks stopped. Everything on pause.
A visit to the great north woods. Sand in every direction and birch trees and pine trees and a shuffle board court long forgotten.
This is where my kids live. Way up here in all of this. Way up here in all of this quiet and seclusion. Way up here in this foreign land.
And me? I do not live here. I am transient. I am a visitor in the places I occupy and I have been for years. I am a loner. I am lonely. Hunkered down in the back of this 25 year old van trying to find the smallest of pleasures to ease the pain that comes with wandering around. Coffee from fresh beans. Incense in the air. Anything. A smile. A laugh. I’m pretty good at it. In fact, I’m great. I laugh and I joke and I always have the words to make light of everything because it’s what I’ve been doing for twenty years...finding the silver lining.
Twenty years. Twenty fucking years. Not a drop of liquor. Not a single drug. Nothing to alter my mind. For twenty years I have worked to make chicken salad out of chicken shit and I have done an amazing job. I really should be proud of the effort.
Instead, I’m in the back of a van and I’m lonely and it doesn’t matter if I’m in this van or in the room at the house or in a crowd of people...I’m lonely, but man have I got the jokes and the funny stories and the stories of amazing adventures. I have it all. A library full. It’s incredible the lengths I’ve gone to. Coping mechanisms. Walls. All of it and yet somehow I expect to find some exit door. Somehow I’ve convinced myself that I’ll find that escape hatch and I’ll step through it and I’ll find that alternative universe where I feel a part of, rather than apart from. Someday. I keep telling myself that. It helps with the present. Whistling in the dark.
05.13.20
All of this is hard.
05.11.20
How much is enough and when should one know when the fill line has been reached?
Nobody knows.
The human mind is capable of far more than any of us truly realize. The human body is similar, especially in the ways that the mind and body communicate directly with each other.
For example, the mind may tell us that we simply cannot ride a bike for 100 miles. As a result, when our body begins to reject the idea at mile 50, our mind will, through some sideways manner of internal empathy, encourage the body to just stop and be done.
Conversely, if the mind has been conditioned to believe that a 100 mile bike ride is absolutely achievable, the body may still respond in the same manner it does in the aforementioned example, but in this case the mind says, “Not yet. We aren’t stopping yet. We’re only halfway.”
Having witnessed, both in myself and in others, these two examples play out time and time again, I am left to believe that our minds and our bodies are capable of far more than we typically allow.
So why ask the question of how much is too much, only to follow it up with some analogy about riding a bike farther than most would? Because energy. Because physical and emotional energy. How much energy spent is too much for our brains and our bodies and at what point should we realistically pull back?
The answer is likely specific to each and every individual, but it really boils down to the return on investment quotient. Yes, the ROI.
So...perhaps a better way to phrase the questions is: What is my ROI on the energy I spend in a day?
Truthfully, the examination is probably only done in vain and the results, if any, are likely to be left on the table as I rush off to ride to work tomorrow. Now, though, as I am winding down from another day, in what has proven to be a more difficult time to be alive than any I have experienced previously, I am all the way in on this concept.
How much is too much? I suppose simply acknowledging the question is an indicator. If something feels like too much, it’s likely too much.
I remember, as I’m writing this, the period just before I filed for bankruptcy in 2009. In the months that led up to filing, I vividly remember getting home from another trip to the store and carrying bags into the house and thinking, “this kind of spending isn’t sustainable.” I thought it, but I didn’t act on it. I knew, in my gut, that the spending wasn’t sustainable and I did nothing to change it. Eventually everything culminated in economic failure and bankruptcy was inevitable. My gut knew.
It’s an identical process for knowing when my energy is exhausted, or, more specifically, when something is enough and when something is too much. My gut knows, every time, but my mind wants to tell me differently. Body versus mind. It never ends. Back and forth and back and forth.
I digress. Off topic. Completely off the path and onto an entirely different subject.
Do I know myself? Do I love myself without ego? Do I see my value without being self-centered? Do I present to others in way that is selfless? In what areas can I improve? Do I hear when I listen? Am I capable of change? Am I inclusive? Do I actually roll with things? Am I a weirdo? How many questions are too many questions?
I’m tired. Exhausted. Taxed. Work is pulling on me and there are no signs that it is going to let up. The kids are far away and my folks are living on an island. I am burning out and if I’m not careful I’m going to crash. Two days off are key. The internal analysis is helpful. It’s like fuel. A moment here and a moment there and the next thing I know I am fully aware and acknowledging my own discomfort and talking about it and continuing to grow. I continue to create boundaries. Don’t stop. Keep going. There is an end and it’s going to be great.
05.08.20
I can get real negative. It’s a thing that happens.
Lately, it’s been happening a lot. It’s probably related to the pandemic that has swept its way across this planet. Additionally, it’s also related to my own inability to practice the things I’ve been working so hard on for the last few years. Those things are, in no particular order...
Staying present
Acknowledging my own humanity
Acknowledging the humanity of others
Accepting things as they are
Finding positives within negatives
Loving myself
Loving others
Acknowledging my own value
Acknowledging the value in others
Appreciating the efforts of others
It is way too easy for me to put myself first and align myself with whatever expectations I have developed for the behavior of those that I might intersect with. My trouble in doing lies in the idea that I rarely, if ever, communicate my expectations to the others ahead of casting judgement upon them when they fail to meet said expectations.
I do this kind of shit all the time and every time I get frustrated and angry. Seems like a real brilliant way to operate. Cast judgement against others when they fail to understand how important my beliefs are and fail to understand why they won’t just see things the way I do because obviously I’m smarter and know way more than they do about everything. Smart.
Another thing I do that is completely useless to me is use the behavior of one thing to build a concrete argument against all things like that one thing. It’s real great and it’s super helpful.
For example, I’ll ride my bike home from work and there will be a vehicle with an Uber sticker in the window temporarily parked in the bike lane. In this example, I will quietly proclaim to myself that all Uber drivers are assholes and that they can all fuck off and die. Real fair of me. Cast judgement on the whole lot because of the act of one individual driver. It’s genius of me and requires a very large brain.
This model works really well when analyzing public policy and/or generic institutions like golf or religion. It’s 100% legit to think that all religions are dumb because of the acts of a handful of their followers. Never mind that whatever the religion might be may have millions of followers with millions of different backgrounds. Based solely on my interactions with one of the extreme personalities, I usually find it safe to assume that each and every one of them is completely fucked and should die. More extreme brilliance on my part. So inclusive.
Man, I can be a real asshole when I’m talking to myself. Every more-so when I actually let the negative words in my head come out and interact with another person’s ears.
I digress. Today I need to be grateful. Tomorrow, too. I need to do the work of staying present and remind myself that even though things might be difficult for me at this moment, things are likely difficult for everyone else, as well, and, as such, we’ll all better off if I can just take an extra breath and do my best to not cast judgement and refrain from being a crabby old man.
05.07.20
I rode past your old place today. All the way up there. You weren’t home because you don’t live there anymore. It’s been a while actually and a part of me expected the people in the park to be wandering around with their phones, but they were gone, too.
Everything is real weird these days.
05.03.20
It’s May 3rd and I hope you have a real swell day. Wherever you are. Whatever you’re doing. Do it with grace and smile because you’re beautiful when you do.
05.02.20
Get your words out.
All of them. Keeping them in isn’t going to get anything done. If you miss somebody, tell them. If you’re confused about something, ask questions until you’re not. If you’ve simply had enough and can’t take it anymore, go outside and scream.
Get em out. All the way out. You never know what might happen and it’s that fear that’s going to keep you in the uncomfortable place.
Get your words out.
04.30.20 pt. 2
I lit a stick of incense tonight and I turned out the light.
I laid down in my bed and the dog curled up right next to me.
I turned on some tunes to play softly through the speaker just above my head. They’ll play all night, just like they always do.
Today was a great day. Tomorrow looks to be a repeat.
Truly, I hope yours is, too.
Be well and know that you are loved, you are appreciated and that you have value.
04.30.20
Have a wonderful day. Really.
The sun is out here in Minnesota and most of the trees and bushes are beginning to pop out their foliage.
Everything is turning green and it’s real nice…so enjoy it.
We’ll all be dead eventually and when that happens we won’t be able to see anything.
04.29.20
Wind on the bridge. Wind at my back. Wind in my face. It circles, the wind. It seems to come from every direction and it has no real source. It is mysterious to say the least and yet it is rich with metaphors. So many.
I could list some of them.
Or I could just say that I’m tired of trying to figure out the answers to all of life’s troubles. Frankly, I’m tired of seeing things as troubles.
I’ve studied myself for twenty years and made every effort to maximize my time on this planet. I’ve sought out my own efficiencies and worked to execute on them every day. In that time I have also spent my focus on examining others as they encounter situations similar to my own. I have watched and I have learned and I have applied my observations to my own life.
I am efficient. In my actions. In my words. In my being. Everything is is efficient.
I am not done learning. I hope never to be.
I am, however, done trying to solve the worlds problems and I am done trying to prove my theories as the best possible solution.
Today I just am. Just me. Here, as I am.
04.28.20
I took yesterday off to try and manage your anxiety. I started with a bowl of oatmeal and a cup of coffee. It helped.
I took yesterday off to try and manage my insecurity. I started with a bowl of oatmeal and a cup of coffee. It helped.
I took yesterday off to try and manage my own feelings about how I am in this world. I started with a walk around the block and a cigarette in the driveway. I heard the birds chirping and it reminded me that I have a voice. It helped.
I took yesterday off to try and ease the pain I feel when I think about some of the choices I’ve made in my life. I started with a breathing exercise where I count to a certain number and then do it again with a different number and so on. It was good to slow down and realize my own natural existence. It was good to feel the air pour into my lungs and visualize it serving all of my appendages. It was meditation and it helped.
I took yesterday off to feel alive. I started by getting out of bed and putting my pants on and making a cup of coffee in my little coffee machine. I eased into the day by letting the dog outside and sitting quietly while the sun made its way up and over the horizon. For a few minutes I just sat there and enjoyed everything that was happening around me. It was real nice and it helped and then I got on my bike and rode to work.
Maybe I’ll take tomorrow off, too…