04.05.20

There’s a good chance you’re lost because we’re all lost and not one of us is ever going to get found because there isn’t anyone coming to look for us. We are on our own. From birth to death. The whole way whatever happens is up to us. It’s the truth. Whether we end up living some charmed life or we end up homeless, it’s entirely up to us. Yes, there are certain privileges afforded to some that are not to others.

86.9, The Ice!

The Chanticleer Commandeers Volleyball Team.

A ripped Patagonia zipper and a tool room in a weird hospital.

A drive out to some weird building for a therapy session with some stranger that charged everything and asked that I sign a receipt on a tray from a restaurant.

Fish in fish tanks that weren’t full.

That woman from California.

A dog that looked like a seal and had articulated elbows and could give hugs.

A day trip to Alaska and a person dressed as a panther.

Dreams. Just strange dreams in strange times.

04.04.20

Driveway fires. Charcoal beds. Brats and kraut and jokes about birds. Summertime. Bike rides. Giant flame throwers. Surround yourself with humor and laugh until you’re full. St. Paul or bust. We’ll make t-shirts. Get some gas station sodas and check out the river. Skip the trip. Stay apart. It’s how it goes.

04.03.20 pt. 2

If you’ve found yourself separated from people and you’re struggling with it, reach out. I can’t come visit you, but I can interact digitally. I recently joined Marco Polo and it seems to be a pretty great way to interact. If you’re on there, find me (Chris Skogen) and send me a message. I’ll reply when I can.

04.03.20

Backpacks and ice covered bushes that are just beginning to sprout buds. A walk to the grocery store to restock the cache of canned goods that rest quietly in the fourth drawer. It’s someday in April and I’m not working for the first time in 19 days. Hectic. Worrisome. Confusing. So much has shifted while so much has not. Different patterns and more intention. An economic collapse and millions without work. Runners running on the paths to keep their sanity while so many others are drowning themselves in brown liquor and beer. Keep your head on straight. Check your alignment regularly. Do what you need to. It’s gonna be a ride that lasts for a while.

04.02.20 pt. 2

Space Force

Space race

Space cars

One real long Monday

A president that can’t lead and seems more concerned with his image and his ratings than he does with the health and welfare of the people he’s been tasked with providing for.

Lies and a future of unknowns. A brain that just can’t think or produce words other than weird or strange. Lost exhausted. John Prine is going to die and Neil Young was supposed to. John Lennon did and nobody cares. Life. The final frontier. Or is it space?

04.02.20

If I knew I was going to die tomorrow, I’d write a letter and it would probably look like this...

Mom and dad, I love you. Unconditionally.

Jennifer, I love you and your brood. I always have and it hasn’t always been obvious because I’m stubborn and particular in some of the worst ways.

Jack and Olivia, I love you. Endlessly. You are beautiful and amazing and full of potential and your lives are going to be magic. 

Annie, I love you. You are an incredible mother and I feel real grateful to have had the opportunity to raise beautiful children with you. I’m real glad you met Steve and I hope you two go all the way to the end.

Doug, Ralls, Raleigh, I love you. You were the best partner I never knew I needed. You saved me as much as I saved you and if I get to remember things after I’m gone, I will never forget you. 

—-

Today is the last day and as I lie here in this bed I am fully prepared to close my eyes for the last time. As I look backwards, I didn’t do anything amazing or earth shattering today. In fact, today was just another typical day. I woke up and got dressed, made the bed and a cup of coffee. I took the Doug out for a piss and enjoyed two cigarettes in the driveway. Not back to back in the smokes. I always take a little pause between them and consider the pluses and minuses of lighting a second. I usually go for it. The sun was just coming up and the air was cold, but not crisp. I saw a robin in the tree and it reminded me that Spring is incredible. When I went back in the house I crapped. It’s habitual at this point. Coffee, cigarettes, poop...repeat. At some point I realized I’d taken more time to myself than I should have so I got myself ready for my commute and went down to the garage to get my bike. Normal. Helmet on. Gloves on. Lights on. Speaker on. 

For the last couple of weeks I’ve really been into listening to Charley Crockett. It’s some kind of new honky tonk and it’s real good. When it plays through the speaker as I ride to work I cannot help but smile and sing along and tap my fingers on the brake levers to keep the beat. It’s real good stuff and I’d encourage anybody reading this to give it a listen. 

Back to today. I brought coffee along for the commute this morning and as has been commonplace for the last few rides I stopped on the west side of the Stone Arch Bridge to take in the morning air. It was real nice to pause there today and take in the quiet sounds of the few people moving around. The coffee was extra nice. I even imagined dancing my little dance that I’ve done the last couple of days when I’ve met my friend in the same space to share the rest of the ride to work. He wasn’t there this morning and that’s alright. 

The ride itself was windy and it kinda sucked but as I’m lying here now I can’t help but think of all the times I’ve ridden into the wind and felt the extra effort. It’s hard. Not impossible, but certainly not easy. In hindsight, it’s always been rewarding. Life is funny like that. Headwinds. Uphills. All of it. The extra effort is where the growth comes from. Every time. 

The roads right now are pretty much empty with everyone staying at home. Pandemics are real weird and it changes everything. Not all bad, but definitely all different. Words. The final notice. How to put it all down on paper. How to translate a million lifetimes of experiences and happenings into one final letter. It seems futile. To write it all down. 

Legacy. 

It doesn’t fit in a letter. It doesn’t fit into a sentence or a paragraph or even a book. It’s time spent and exchanges made. I made it 42 years and I met a whole bunch of folks along the way and I did my best to make the best of everything. 

I’m sorry for short changing some along the way, if that’s the way they see it. It’s useless to say it wasn’t intentional because every choice is chosen with intent. Time. We didn’t have enough. Or perhaps we had too much. Either way I am sorry for my role in your pain. 

That said, I have no regrets. I have made my peace with my good and with my bad. I have always done the best I could with what I’ve had and I encourage you to look at your life through the same lens.

Take the shortcut. Take the long way. Walk the dogs to the river. Stop by on your way into work. Do all the things because you never know. You really never know and that’s obvious to me now. 

Do your best. Appreciate yourself. Love yourself. Value yourself. 

Tell others the same thing.

Goodnight. Forever.

I love you. 

03.31.20

I started a fire a long time ago and I let it burn indefinitely. It’s a smoke signal fire and it’s all mine. I started it off in the distance so that if I ever saw it as I was walking through this wilderness I would know to turn around. The funny thing is that I forget, every time, that I started it. Each time, when I see it now, I turn to talk away because I am afraid. What I fail to realize is that it is exactly my fear and the behaviors that stem from my fear that push me to walk away from the smoke. The very smoke that I put in place to warm myself of this fear. 

It’s a cycle. It’s tragic. It’s my inability to let go of the past and the negative experiences I had there that keep me from feeling anything new and wonderful. 

It’s really quite something.

03.30.20

Separation. Aggregation. Agitation. 

One hundred funnels boiling down the ever turning wheels of our emotions. A lost and found box as big as the city. Empty streets and empty parks and empty playgrounds. The water pours over the edge. 

Pull back. Step out. Get weird.

When it’s over it’ll all make sense and everybody can look backward and then forward and realize that the revolving door of life is bookended by the present and that the only change that will ever be significant is the change that will come when the door stops and we’re stuck. Only then will we decide to smash the glass and move into the open air of the street.

Pause. Distance. Abandon.

Broken records. Inescapable behaviors. We become who we are indefinitely and the only hope we have at breaking the cycle is actually breaking the cycle and that requires mindfulness and a commitment to action that doesn’t show up real often. It’s work and it’s uncomfortable and it’s hard. It’s a whole lot easier to just shelter in place and hunker down and do what we’ve always done. It’s safe. 

Stay safe. Get home safe. Go home. 

Have another beer. Get drunk and tell me all about how this thing is better than that thing. Tell me about circles and songs and how wonderful everything feels. Tell me I’m special and then pull everything off the table and take your stuff and go home. Head down the block. Head down the road. Head down. Meh. I’m good. I’m great in fact. This is my best year yet and if I die tomorrow I’ll be content and without regret. 

Just call it. Red flag warning. Get off the beach.

03.28.20

If you are going to spend any amount of time loving anyone in this world you’d best figure out what it means to actually love yourself.

Get to know the feeling and understand it fully. When you have mastered it, give it away to those you care about. The returns on your investment will be greater than you can measure.

03.25.20

A cloudy and gloomy morning. Heavy thoughts and an underwhelming feeling of exhaustion. Too much work. Too many days at the wheel. Press on. Drink coffee. Being the best is irrelevant.

Words.

Competitive spirit.

Ride bikes.

Take the dog for the long walk and dress warm because it’s cold. It’s been cold. For months. It feels like the cold is going to last forever. Today is not the best day. There is always tomorrow. Try again. Ups and downs. Strikes and gutters. Keep showing up. Keep sending the message. Keep keeping. Keep.

Fill the page with whatever pops up and write it down without a pen. The internet is ablaze and we are clamoring to figure out what the next chapter is going to look like. Stop.

Get a coffee.

Put cream in it and don’t worry about the fitness or the extra layer around the middle. None of it matters. Nothing does. This is all unfolding in real time and a writing desk at home would be real nice, but it doesn’t exist and it isn’t going to and you’re just going to have to figure it out because that’s where now is. This is your life and you are subject to the pitfalls and if you just keep riding your bike you’re going to be fine.

Fuck. This is so frustrating. This separation and distancing and the ever-changing way of doing things and the new normal and the stimulus and the lies and the bullshit. Another antiquated white man isn’t going to save us and voting in this next election is a giant garbage can full of lies and false hope, but you should go and vote because it’s democracy.

I am tired of the nonsense and the bullshit put forth to me by the rich and the people that protect their own self-interest. It hasn’t helped anybody other than themselves and it won’t help going forward.

A general strike is in order. A massive movement of workers across every sector. Head to the streets and demand change. March on Washington and demand the elderly leave their offices and collect their things. Rise up and command a new direction.

It is time for the wealthy to stop protecting themselves on the backs of the poor.

03.24.20

There is no normal. There has never been a normal.

There is only ever now and now is amazing if I can stop long enough to absorb everything it actually is.

Be well. Love fiercely. Go forward.

03.22.20

There is so much good in the world. Even in the face of adversity and pain and struggle, good is around us. It really is. While it does require mindfulness to see it, all one has to do is look. Maybe it’s a bird singing because it’s Spring? Maybe it’s the sun peeking out from behind the clouds? Maybe it’s the quiet in a dark room? It could be anything, but it will never appear if we are not open to seeing it.

03.20.20

I work with the public. Every day. I go to work and I interact with anyone and everyone that wants to come through the door.

Right now, in this moment and in this time, working with the public is terrifying. Being subject to interacting with strangers in a space where they can leave whenever they want and I am locked in place is hard.

I continue to go. I show up. I clock in because I have to. I have to get paid and there is no option for me to work remotely.

I don’t know what this thing looks like on the other end, but I am hopeful that we will emerge into some new and beautiful space. I am hopeful that the shift taking place will result in the creation of new working lives and stronger, better connected communities.

This is all very real.

03.19.20 pt. 2

Sometimes things get frustrating. Sometimes things are circular. Sometimes there simply aren’t answers. Sometimes.

Never stop moving forward. Never.

03.19.20

Late last fall I started recording simple videos and sharing them on the social media platforms that I was using at the time. The videos were short and succinct and contained a message that was consistent. I got a lot of positive feedback in the time that I was posting the videos.

As I am walking through this unprecedented period in time, I am drawn to put these videos back into the world. Without the social media platforms, my only current avenue is this site. As such, I am going to work on creating a page here that allows for their delivery. Look for it in the next couple of days and feel free to share the videos once they show up. The world might need a friendly reminder.

03.17.20 pt. 2

Is this fear? Is this inability to feel grounded some manifestation of anxiety? Is the failure to comprehend the widespread suffering that is unfolding in real time before my eyes a byproduct of my own insecurity?

Is it? 

I am not overtly worried. I do not believe that I am going to die from any kind of contraction of this virus. 

And yet I am out of words. I cannot collect my thoughts in a way that makes sense to me. I cannot slow my brain down enough to gather any of conception as to what is actually taking place. Students are at home and will be away from their places of learning for the foreseeable future. My neighbors and friends are being laid off without pay. The services I have come to know as common place are evaporating. 

This is now. People are being told to stay home. Our leaders in government are suggesting we isolate.  

Unreal. Surreal. Economic fallout that has never been seen before. 

This is where we are and while my brain is operating in overtime, I am trying my best to stay grounded and be present to myself and my dog and the people in my immediate circle. I have not done a good job of reaching out to the second ring or the third or so on. I am doing my best though and I am trying to show up as empathetic and considerate of those who’s paths I do cross.

I’m going to work. I’m showing up for my employees. I am channeling my brain directly to my heart and I am listening to both. I am here. In this. I am available, as an ear and as a sounding board. 

03.17.20

These are trying times. There is an abundance of confusion and many of us are being thrown into uncertainty.

If you need anything, I am here. My cell phone number is 507-271-3743 and the contact form is fully functional. It’s not likely that I can find you a job or send you any money, but I can be an ear. I can tell you a joke or I can just be a sounding board for any ideas you might be having. Text works best if you need it, but any form is absolutely perfect.

I know we all have circles and within them are some really great folks. I am not presenting myself as some kind of prophetic phoenix. Simply, I am available if you need a non-judgemental release.

Be well. Take care of yourself. Take care of those around you. Love fiercely and let’s get to the other end of this. Together.

03.16.20

Today is the only day and as such it serves as the perfect opportunity to reach out and let the people in your life know that you care about them. Let them know that you appreciate them. Let them know you love them. If there are people in your life at the edges, or just beyond, let them know, too.

Go forward. Always forward.