If I knew I was going to die tomorrow, I’d write a letter and it would probably look like this...
Mom and dad, I love you. Unconditionally.
Jennifer, I love you and your brood. I always have and it hasn’t always been obvious because I’m stubborn and particular in some of the worst ways.
Jack and Olivia, I love you. Endlessly. You are beautiful and amazing and full of potential and your lives are going to be magic.
Annie, I love you. You are an incredible mother and I feel real grateful to have had the opportunity to raise beautiful children with you. I’m real glad you met Steve and I hope you two go all the way to the end.
Doug, Ralls, Raleigh, I love you. You were the best partner I never knew I needed. You saved me as much as I saved you and if I get to remember things after I’m gone, I will never forget you.
—-
Today is the last day and as I lie here in this bed I am fully prepared to close my eyes for the last time. As I look backwards, I didn’t do anything amazing or earth shattering today. In fact, today was just another typical day. I woke up and got dressed, made the bed and a cup of coffee. I took the Doug out for a piss and enjoyed two cigarettes in the driveway. Not back to back in the smokes. I always take a little pause between them and consider the pluses and minuses of lighting a second. I usually go for it. The sun was just coming up and the air was cold, but not crisp. I saw a robin in the tree and it reminded me that Spring is incredible. When I went back in the house I crapped. It’s habitual at this point. Coffee, cigarettes, poop...repeat. At some point I realized I’d taken more time to myself than I should have so I got myself ready for my commute and went down to the garage to get my bike. Normal. Helmet on. Gloves on. Lights on. Speaker on.
For the last couple of weeks I’ve really been into listening to Charley Crockett. It’s some kind of new honky tonk and it’s real good. When it plays through the speaker as I ride to work I cannot help but smile and sing along and tap my fingers on the brake levers to keep the beat. It’s real good stuff and I’d encourage anybody reading this to give it a listen.
Back to today. I brought coffee along for the commute this morning and as has been commonplace for the last few rides I stopped on the west side of the Stone Arch Bridge to take in the morning air. It was real nice to pause there today and take in the quiet sounds of the few people moving around. The coffee was extra nice. I even imagined dancing my little dance that I’ve done the last couple of days when I’ve met my friend in the same space to share the rest of the ride to work. He wasn’t there this morning and that’s alright.
The ride itself was windy and it kinda sucked but as I’m lying here now I can’t help but think of all the times I’ve ridden into the wind and felt the extra effort. It’s hard. Not impossible, but certainly not easy. In hindsight, it’s always been rewarding. Life is funny like that. Headwinds. Uphills. All of it. The extra effort is where the growth comes from. Every time.
The roads right now are pretty much empty with everyone staying at home. Pandemics are real weird and it changes everything. Not all bad, but definitely all different. Words. The final notice. How to put it all down on paper. How to translate a million lifetimes of experiences and happenings into one final letter. It seems futile. To write it all down.
Legacy.
It doesn’t fit in a letter. It doesn’t fit into a sentence or a paragraph or even a book. It’s time spent and exchanges made. I made it 42 years and I met a whole bunch of folks along the way and I did my best to make the best of everything.
I’m sorry for short changing some along the way, if that’s the way they see it. It’s useless to say it wasn’t intentional because every choice is chosen with intent. Time. We didn’t have enough. Or perhaps we had too much. Either way I am sorry for my role in your pain.
That said, I have no regrets. I have made my peace with my good and with my bad. I have always done the best I could with what I’ve had and I encourage you to look at your life through the same lens.
Take the shortcut. Take the long way. Walk the dogs to the river. Stop by on your way into work. Do all the things because you never know. You really never know and that’s obvious to me now.
Do your best. Appreciate yourself. Love yourself. Value yourself.
Tell others the same thing.
Goodnight. Forever.
I love you.