A conversation about how power reveals a person’s true self. More words about influence and effect and how not all people that find themselves in a position of power end up being assholes.
I definitely had influence. The work I did leant itself to being adopted by the machine. I have no regrets. I do, however, find myself wondering how it was that what I did had such an impact while I was so lost as a human being. How was it that I could be an architect for an entire movement and not recognize myself in the mirror? How was it that I could live so passionately about one thing and, at the same time, be so absolutely insecure about myself and my place in the world? It’s a mystery to this day.
In hindsight, I think my ego had a major role. I think the fanfare and the accolades drove me. I believe that I had, at the time, a thirst for success and it isn’t that I don’t feel like being successful today, but rather I think my perception of what success is has changed. Today, for example, I believe success to simply mean happiness. If I am happy and content, I have succeeded. My younger self would disagree. My younger self would tell you that success was material. A house. A car. A bike. Influence. Power. All of those things meant so much because I was taught they meant so much and it wasn’t a hard lesson laid out by my parents and much as it was a soft lesson laid out by the world I grew up in. I grew up comparing things. Making observations and discerning differences. To have more things meant I was better than. This is part of the problem with our current culture. The lessons I learned as a kid and as a young adult are still being taught. It’s a thing. For certain.
Stuff does not define me. I am not the sum of my accomplishments. I have lived an incredibly privileged life and have had access to things that most do not. Undoing those privileges and unteaching those lessons is where you can find me these days. Loving myself for exactly as I am in this moment first and everyone else second.
It is never too late to wake up. It is never too late go lay down. Look in the mirror and if you don’t like what you see, do something about it.