Abandoned. Stranded. Old. Irrelevant. Lost in the change. Floundering in the two way traffic of time. Where? What? Why would it matter? Go home to nothing because home doesn’t exist. The holidays. The responsibilities. The fatigue. The bags under the eyes. The stress. The heartburn. Age. Fragility. Relationships. Time.
Nothing matters.
We all race toward death.
Sadly there is no winner. Conversely, there is no loser. Instead we all just end up running out of time and likely lying there replaying the moments of our lives where we had pleasure and likely contemplating how one thing might have been different had we chosen a different path. That’s regret. Unavoidable. Comparison. Try to do it different and you’ll end up in the same place. It doesn’t matter. Nothing does. We covered that earlier.
For a moment you’ll have everything in your hand. In the next you’ll feel rejection and look at yourself in the mirror and wonder what it was that got you here in the first place. You’ll vomit. You’ll get up. You’ll put on a face. You’ll smile. You’ll convince yourself that everything is wonderful and remind yourself to remind yourself and you’ll go about this for a while until you get tired and then you’ll remember that everything is not fine and everything is not wonderful and you’ll watch your friends get drunk and make decisions that baffle you and you’ll wonder why you don’t join them only to remember that every time you do that you hate yourself more than you already do and you’ll remember that if you put yourself in a position where you hate yourself more than you already do you’ll probably kill yourself and that killing yourself would be disrespectful to the people that care about you so you stop thinking about that and put your pen down.
You put your pen down.